The Dragon's Pearls

I am in need of some advice... and unfortunately I'm not sure where to get it. So I'm putting my thoughts down here and hoping that Heavenly Father directs some well meaning soul to read it and help me out.

My life is crazy.  I mean REALLY crazy.  I work full time, Tuesday thru Saturday, which  means that my Saturday is actually Sunday, except its not because Sunday is insane. 


My work days (Tuesday - Saturday)... (usually) start at 5:00 when I get up and (try to) study my scriptures.  I try really hard to do that, but it has become - like so many other things - one more thing to check off.  I noticed that this morning.  My prayers..... they are snatches of "Please Father!" whenever I think of something I desperately need.  This isn't very fulfilling..... And I'm sure Father in Heaven isn't happy with it either.

Then its racing from one thing to another:  breakfast (WHY can't the girls get breakfast on their own without me reminding them EVERY morning!?), shower, get the dishes in the dishwasher, Did anyone throw in a load of laundry?? (Aw shoot!  Why didn't someone TELL me there was a load mildewing in there!???!?!??) What do you MEAN you haven't made lunch yet!?  Oh blast it all - I haven't taken anything out for dinner!.....  Then there's the race to get the kiddos in the car (without the dog trying to go with us!) and leave before 8:15 when I would officially be late by the time I'd get to work.

Of course there are the mornings (like today) when SOMEONE wants/needs my help before I get to work.... (Can you just stop by and give me a ride to pay my water bill?) Then walking in the office with mail to check, bills to pay, emails to answer.... and don't forget getting the girls started with their homeschool lessons..............

Of course the day is full of tasks that MUST be accomplished, and then there's travel time back home, when all my phone calls are done... ("Hi Dad!  Haven't talked to you in a while.  How's it going?", "Hey little brother!  How ya doin'?")  Then the typical race to get the family fed, showered (maybe!), and tucked into bed after family prayer, HOPEFULLY before 10:00.  Then its my turn for a shower (MAYBE!), take the meds,  and pass out - HOPEFULLY before midnight and after having SOME sort of conversation with my darling.

Sundays are usually taken up with 2 (count 'em again!) TWO sets of Church meetings, preceded by several hours of prep work for one of those (preparing bulletin for the worship service, picking out music, downloading it to my laptop, arranging it in playlists [we don't have a pianist.... so my laptop is Ms. Music :) ], reading an preparing to teach the Sunday School lesson) not to mention feeding people and making sure kids are dressed properly.  (By the way, why can't kids get dressed, eat their breakfast, brush their hair and teeth, etc. without constant guidance???????)  "Get in the car, QUICK!  We're already late!"  "Did anyone pack lunches???"  "Mom, I forgot my scriptures."  Then off we go....

And after the actual services, its back to the house, tidy like mad men so that its not a complete disaster when the missionaries arrive for dinner and correlation meeting.  "Oh goodness!  It's 9:00 already and no one is in bed! Hurry!  I'll do the dishes in the morning!"

Mondays are usually the day my body crashes and I can't get out of bed, whether because of physical, mental, or emotional fatigue.....  But that's the only day to do the grocery shopping, doctors and dentist appointments, spend time with my big girls......

Life has become one big checklist, and I'm unhappy.  There doesn't seem to be time to sit back and enjoy.  Roses!?  Who has time to smell roses?!?  I haven't been camping in ages, not the kind where your soul just relaxes and you can stare into the fire or look at the stars and all of life comes back into focus.  In fact, I haven't really enjoyed a good book, though I DO try..... right before I pass out in the late evenings.

I read about the need to meditate, take time for myself, fun things like that.  Who has time for that sort of stuff!?  I barely have time to go to the bathroom or take a shower.  (Don't get me wrong, I know its important, I just don't know how to fit that in too.)

And please don't tell me to have the family help.  We're trying that.  But for some unknown reason, EVERYTHING has to be supervised.  I've been grateful for my older daughters because they can act as my clones - they know just what needs doing and how to do it.  But they all have lives of their own.  So I'm the one that acts as cattle-prod to get things done.....  "Whose turn is it to do the dishes?  What do you mean you can't get the vacume to work? Why didn't you wipe out the sink after spitting toothpaste all over?? I just TOLD you..."

Then there's the guilt for all the things I SHOULD be doing.  Even this short time I'm taking to whine and complain is causing guilt. (At least I took a shower last night so this morning is just a brush up and get dressed!)

So...... what am I looking for?

A way to stop the constant "Checklist" feeling of my life.  A way to stop and smell those roses everyone talks about.  A way to cuddle my kids without the "itching" that comes from knowing I HAVE to get A, B, C, and D accomplished. A way to spend time with my Father in Heaven without having to rush on to the next thing on that blasted list.

Sigh.  I'm going to be late for work.