It's time to take off the Rose Colored Glasses

I am a realist.  That means that I see things in black and white, right and wrong, truth and falsehood, justice and injustice.  Sometimes that drives my family and friends crazy, especially my daughter Rebecca who sees everything in color.  (She's an artist - she's supposed to! :D )

I used to dream.  I used to see rose and other shades of color, but then I grew up.  I often think of the scripture in 1 Corinthians:  "When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a [woman], I put away childish things." (1 Cor. 13:11)  My kids say somewhere along the way I forgot how to dream and how to play.  That may very well be true.  But "real life" has taken over and I don't have time or energy to gloss things over, to say "Well maybe...".  So I stick to black and white.

When I see, I try very hard to see through the lens of Christ's Gospel. Jesus taught very clearly what was right and what was wrong.  He didn't leave any room for gray.

"For behold, my brethren, it is given unto you to judge, that ye may know good from evil; and the way to judge is as plain, that ye may know with a perfect knowledge, as the daylight is from the dark night.

"For behold, the Spirit of Christ is given to every man, that he may know good from evil; wherefore, I show unto you the way to judge; for every thing which inviteth to do good, and to persuade to believe in Christ, is sent forth by the power and gift of Christ; wherefore ye may know with a perfect knowledge it is of God.

"But whatsoever thing persuadeth men to do evil, and believe not in Christ, and deny him, and serve not God, then ye may know with a perfect knowledge it is of the devil; for after this manner doth the devil work, for he persuadeth no man to do good, no, not one; neither do his angels; neither do they who subject themselves unto him.

"And now, my brethren, seeing that ye know the light by which ye may judge, which light is the light of Christ, see that ye do not judge wrongfully; for with that same judgment which ye judge ye shall also be judged."  (Moroni 7:15-18)

It is very clear to me that anything that draws us to Christ and to Heavenly Father is good.  Anything that does NOT draw us closer to Christ and Heavenly Father is NOT good.  Very simple.  Black and white.

And that is how I see things.

So when it comes to things like.... oh say.... politics, I see political issues in the same terms.  Yes - this post is ACTUALLY about politics.  So if my political views have offended you in the past, stop reading right now.  I mean it.  Right this minute.

Ok - I gave you fair warning.

Recently a black journalist named Mychal Massie wrote an article entitled "Why I Do Not Like The Obamas" (http://mychal-massie.com/premium/why-i-do-not-like-the-obamas/).  I have read it, I've shared it with others.  I've made comments on other posts.  Someone dear to me recently shared the article because they agree with many things Mr. Massie had to say.  They were then lambasted by people we thought knew them quite well, loved them, and cared for them.  My dear one was accused of being racist (as was Mr. Massie which I don't understand.  Can one be racist against one's own race?), compared to the KKK and told they were not living the tenets of their own faith.  This dear person was crushed as would any of us have been.

As you can imagine, I was furious.  As anyone who knows me knows, I get very very angry when someone I love is hurt.  In this instance it was worse than normal because I love ALL parties involved.  I counseled patience to my dear one, then wrote a short paragraph reminding all readers "I...will defend to my dying breath, the right of ANYONE to state their opinion whether I like it or not. However, it is cruel and ugly to attack someone (or SEEM to attack someone) in their own living room. Which is what has been done here. If you don't agree with [my dear one], fine. But state your disagreement civilly. And avoid even the APPEARANCE of calling [names]."

Now its my turn.  This is my blog and I can say what I want here.  That's the glory of our country and of the 1st Amendment.  I have that right and that freedom and it shall NOT be infringed upon by our government.  Plus, I've warned you.

Just some of my crazy family:  My dad, mom, brother
 and 2 sisters!

I do not like the Obamas.  Either of them.  And it has nothing to do with the color of their skin.  I have dear friends who are black.  I have a wonderful brother in law (in my mind the "in law" part doesn't exist) who is black.  He happens to be married to my half-Korean sister.  I have another sister who is also half-Korean as well as my Mom.  I have the most amazing friends who are of Hispanic origins, and a "son" who is Chinese/Filipino.  I have "sons" and "daughters" who served in my area as missionaries for our Church who are black, white, brown, and "yellow".    I love them (almost) as much as I love the children of my body.  So don't you DARE call me a racist!  I believe God in Heaven made ALL people and that we are ALL His children and should love and care for each other.  And that is how I treat anyone I come in contact with and how I expect to be treated.  People are the only things I don't see in two colors.  I see each one in whatever beautiful skin God put them in.  Calling me a racist can only be seen as an attack against me personally for reasons of your own.  What they are is anyone's guess.

I don't like the Obamas for a number of reasons, not so surprisingly (at least to anyone who knows me) for many of the exact same reasons Mr. Massie listed in his article. I believe they are elitist, looking down on the "regular" working people of this country. I believe President Obama is pushing his agenda to bring the good people of this country to their knees thru insane and economically unfeasible programs and taxes. (And OH YES I blame Congress for their part in that too!) 

I believe that both of the Obamas have insulted the citizens of the United States who are working hard just to pay the bills. They have done this by taking extravagant and expensive vacations, some barely disguised as "necessary" government business. And don't give me any crap about the Bushes doing the same thing. They went home to the ranch or other properties they owned, not Martha's Vineyard or Africa.

I believe that this President has done more than any other US president to divide and polarize the citizens of this country. He and his cronies have screeched racism, classism, and anti-faith rhetoric since their first term. Disagree with any policy or statement by this administration and you are labeled racist. Well-known and respected Christian groups and their followers have been insinuated to be (and actually named) terrorists.

He and his fellow Democrats and liberal Republicans have foisted on this country a socialist "healthcare" system that THEY refuse to be part of. I have no problem with finding a way for people to receive healthcare, but requiring every man, woman, and child to join the system or be penalized removes from God's children His first and most precious gift:  agency, the RIGHT to choose for themselves. Giving something of value to those who will not work for it removes their self worth and teaches them nothing. Remember the old adage: Give a man a fish, feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime. 

There are other reasons I dislike President Obama and his wife but these will suffice for the moment.  Let me sum it up this way:  I believe that President Obama, his wife, and their cohorts in the government are damaging, if not outright destroying, the children of God.  (And when you attack God's Plan, you are attacking God.

And this is where seeing in black and white comes back into the picture.  If something draws you to God the Father and His Son, it is good (white).  If it draws you away, it is bad (black).  There is nothing in between.  There is no way that you can be on God's side of the line if you're going against what He has taught.

Just the contention caused by Mr. Obama and his ilk is cause to doubt which side of the Light he is on.  A prophet of God once said "For verily, verily I say unto you, he that hath the spirit of contention is not of me, but is of the devil, who is the father of contention, and he stirreth up the hearts of men to contend with anger, one with another."  Jesus praised those who make peace (Matthew 5:9).  And this administration does NOT make peace.  Not within the borders of our country or without.  Our allies despise us, our enemies hate us even more than they did 5 years ago.

I do not just dislike the Obamas.  I dislike and distrust ANYONE who lies, manipulates, cheats, steals or otherwise harms another.  That includes Cabinet members, Representatives, Senators, Governors, state legislators, police, parents, siblings, the guy down the street.  I don't care who you are.  If you lie to me, if you cheat, if you try to manipulate or coerce me or mine (and that means anyone I care about) I will do anything in  my power to expose the evil you intend.  I will try to convince others of what I know about you.  And I will try to back up everything I say about you with facts.

I don't just dislike Democrats or liberals either.  There are many things that Republican administrations have done that I have HIGHLY disapproved of, and I have said so.  I just didn't have Facebook to do it on! :)

So.... It's time to take off the rose colored glasses and open your eyes.  Stop looking at Barak Obama as a great and mighty hero.  If a Republican president had done or even TRIED to do the things that this president has done you would have hollered loud.  And I would have hollered right along with you.  The fact that his skin is black should have nothing to do with how he is judged.  He, his actions and the actions of his administration should and ought to be judged solely by how they match up to God's commandments and the teachings of the Savior.  Black is black.  White is white.  There is no gray.

Why is it so noisy in here!?

People are noise.  Not noisy, noise.  They carry a sound with them wherever they go.  Some people are very calm peaceful sounds – my grandmother was one of those.  When she was near she emanated that calm soothing sound and anyone near her felt its influence.  Some people are loud, harsh, brassy sounds like cymbals constantly clanging and banging.  When they walk in a room EVERYONE knows they’re there.

When I was young – a teenager and a young adult/parent – I didn’t mind the noise.  I relished it!  I surrounded myself with people of all sorts of different sounds.  I loved being in the middle of a huge orchestra, and loved even more if I was a major instrument in the noise being made, or even better, the conductor!  Oh to pull off an event or a party or a gathering of some kind!  A really big one, with lots and lots of people, especially if they all had a good time, THAT was my idea of fun!

As I’ve gotten older I’ve discovered I don’t like the noise as much.  I noticed it first when I would prefer to listen to something smooth and easy on the radio rather than the rocking and hopping music I’d always preferred.  Then I noticed myself choosing quieter friends – disharmony in the sound was NOT cool, I’d avoid it all costs.  I still liked people who had that loud sound but I needed less of them, and less time with the ones I knew.  I started finding myself preferring being around people like my grandmother who exuded calm, peaceful music, rather than that high energy bouncing off the walls craziness I had so wanted before.  (Don’t get me wrong I still want to be the conductor of a beautiful orchestra, but now I prefer Gossamer Heart by Lisa Lynne over The Ride of the Valkyries by Wagner.

Rebecca and I have talked about the noise people make.  She doesn’t make a lot.  Most of the time. J  Usually she is really quiet, doesn’t take up much space, doesn’t ask a lot.  She’s like a flute I think.  She can be low and mellow most of the time, and every now and then can emit piercing shrieks at the highest decibel known. Those moments aren’t so bad because they’re few.  She’s a good one to talk about the sounds people carry with them, perhaps because she knows what I’m talking about and doesn’t look at me like I’m insane.

My other big girls have different levels of sound - Ashley is a full out chorus of strings and winds with a little bit of trumpet and sax thrown in.  Vicky is ALL electric guitar and drums.  When she gets going, she GETS GOIN’!  But I don’t usually mind them even at their loudest.  

My littles make noise too, LOTS of it.  They are MADE of noise.  They aren’t even necessarily organized instruments either.  Maybe you have to grow into that.  They’re like …. Well, little kids :D…. playing with all sorts of instruments someone left lying around.  But they are NOISY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  And their noise bothers me.  

The big girls sometimes bother me too.   I hate to admit it, but there really are times I’m glad they head home to their various places.  I even feel guilty about admitting that.  I should LOOOOOVE having them here – and I do!  I’m just sometimes ready for them to leave.

The little girls CAN’T leave.  So their noise stays.  And the times of peace and quiet are SO rare.  Just when I think “Ahhhhhhhhh!” someone comes in and STANDS there.  They don’t have to say anything.  I know they WANT something from me, and their noise is a loud CRASH on my quietude.

Even my wonderful love and companion is noisy.  Rebecca described him best – he’s static.  He doesn’t MEAN to make noise (not usually, though sometimes he throws something loud and brash in there), but just his presence disturbs the quiet, even when he doesn’t mean to, doesn’t MAKE any noise, doesn’t WANT anything…..  Becca says she thinks its because he has nowhere or way to let off his own dissonance that intrudes on his soul so when he’s calm and quiet it just sort of emanates as a constant, barely audible but so definitely THERE static.

It takes quiet to feel the Spirit of the Lord.  Psalms 46:10 says “Be still, and know that I am God”.  Many of the Old Testament prophets and even the Savior Himself withdrew into the quiet of the wilderness to commune with the Father and hear His voice.  Peter went up to the roof of the house to spend time in prayer and allow himself the time and quiet he needed to receive revelation.  The Prophet Joseph Smith withdrew to a quiet glade to have privacy for a conversation with the Lord.

Well, I don’t know about you, but I do have a wilderness available – I live on the edge of woods.  But I rarely get to go there.  My littles would find me and want to know what I was doing.  I’ve tried finding a bit of quiet in the house, kneeling and praying in my room or in the living room when the girls were outside.  That doesn’t last long enough, maybe a minute or two.  Someone ALWAYS appears and stands there.  They may not say anything at all, but their sound is everywhere demanding to be heard.

So where does a mother go to have peace and quiet?  Where can she find solitude to talk with God?  How can she shut out the noise of everyone and everything around her?

Forgive me for the whine.... this is therapy.....

I love the children of my womb.  There is no doubt about that.  Each of them is special in different ways.  They each have talents that are unique to them.  Their personalities are all different, though I see a piece of me in each.  

Ashley is a mother – to everyone.  She mothers her sisters, her friends, people she meets in the street.  She’s a tough mother – she loves with all her heart but she doesn’t let her “children” get away with anything.  She’s a homemaker, she loves a tidy house, she loves to cook meals and feed people.  She is a planner and an organizer.  She is a goal setter and a goal chaser.  She’s also a steamroller – if she sees something that needs done, she goes after it and it GETS DONE.  When she feels something is right, she holds on and doesn’t let go.  But she’s willing to learn as well…. It just takes her time to change her mind, not much time, but time none the less.  She is amazingly faithful, and despite setbacks in her life that seem to remove her very hopes and desires from the equation of her life’s plan, she holds on to faith and the promises she has received from her Father in Heaven.  She amazes me with her grasp of eternal truths.  She is my “go to” when I have questions that MUST be answered.  She is my sounding board for all things spiritual.  I know that I can depend on her, no matter what comes my way.  

Rebecca is a loner, an artist, OCD to the max and yet a complete slob when it comes to her apartment.  She’d rather be reading, writing, drawing or painting rather than doing housework.  She chooses whom to let into her heart, but when she finally lets you in, you’re there to stay.  She has few friends, but the ones she has she is faithful to and they are dear to her.  She’s an analyzer, breaking every action, every word down into its most basic components, turning them over, measuring them against each other, and deciding which to keep and which to toss.  She is selfish, and she’ll tell you so, but when she is needed, she goes and she gives.  Because she analyzes everything, she is a great listener… and I don’t mean “great” as in “terrific”, I mean “great” as you would define Einstein as “great”, or Ghandi as “great”, or Mother Theresa as “great”.  She listens without judging – because she hates to be judged.  She listens with compassion and understanding (though she will deny that!) because she wants compassion and understanding.  When I need to vent, she is there.  She tries to help me see all sides of whatever issue I’m struggling with, and leads me, without telling me what to do, to the perfect solution.

Victoria is a wild child - wild with restraint.  She is the one daughter I know the least about at this moment, and dearly want to know better.   She is loyal to her friends and family, gives even when it will hurt her in the end.  When she loves, she does it with every bit of herself, but heaven help you if you hurt her.  She will turn on you like a viper and you will feel the sting for a very long time.  She doesn’t like to keep house – she’d so much rather be outside with her horses! – but mess will eventually drive her crazy.  She is a “redneck” (whatever that means and however it happened!), a country girl.  She loves country music and Shakespeare, what a combination!  She is my “fixer”.  When something needs done, she “get’s ‘er done”!  She doesn’t wait around to figure out anything, she works out the logistics as she goes.  Sometimes that gets her in hot water, but she’s sharp and figures out how to get herself out of that as well.  With her around, I may go a little crazy, but I know my back is covered.

I have two other daughters who I miss…. I rarely talk about them because when I do the pain comes back.  I lost them when they were tiny and never had a chance to know who they would become.  

Kara was only 18 months old when she crossed the veil to be with her Father in Heaven.  I believe she is a great missionary for the Gospel of Jesus Christ.  What makes me think that?  I firmly believe it was her spirit in communication with the Holy Spirit of God that brought missionaries from the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints to my door… not once, but twice.  It was the endless nights of walking her, rocking her, or sitting up with her that allowed me to see the “Homefront” videos the Church used to put out.  They would come on in the middle of the night – I would never see them otherwise.  I believe it was her influence from beyond the veil that let her Daddy to lower his guard and let the Spirit whisper to his soul, telling him the Gospel was true, that the Savior loved him, had given His all for him, and would hold his hand through the grief and pain of losing his beloved child.  She taught me of the love God has for each of His “special” children…. She was one.  If she had lived, she would have never been “normal”, in fact we often called her our “eternal baby”.  Looking back now I know that what I saw in her eyes every day was pain mixed with the joy of eternal love.  I know that she was a wise old soul looking at me through the eyes of a baby, a soul that wanted me to know she loved me and knew my cares and struggles.  I was privileged to feel her leave her mortal shell, and be there as she joined her Brother and Savior.  I believe He was there waiting for her, and by His side were my wonderful grandparents.  I miss Kara……  I wish she were here to counsel me when life gets too hard.  I think she’d know the exact things to say.  Instead, I believe she’s on the other side, praying for me.  I can feel that power.

Johanna was only 2 months old when the Savior came and took her home.  I found her in her cradle one beautiful sunny morning – I think it was even a Monday.  What a beginning…..  She was my “last” child, I could have no more.  The doctor insisted if I tried I could very well not live to raise my daughters.  I intended on pouring everything I had into her… every last bit of “baby mothering” I possessed.  As your children grow, you learn that your love changes, evolves, morphs…. You don’t love your 5 year old the same way you love your newborn.  You just can’t.  It’s not normal.  Jo-Jo would wrap her little body around me when she nursed, more than any of my other girls she wanted to be near me.  Her death hit me so hard….. I hated God for taking her and hated myself for hating Him.  I wanted to believe He had my best interest – and hers – at heart, and yet... How could He do this terrible thing to me!? How could He take ANOTHER child from me?  And not just any child – but my last……?  I felt such guilt – If I had only stayed up with her, rather than putting her back to bed after her middle of the night feeding…. If I had only gone in her room earlier that morning…. If I had only been a better mother…… If only…. If only….. If only……..  Even twenty years later I find myself saying “If only….”  And yet, my hope in the Atonement and Resurrection of the Savior of the world eventually seeps back into my heart and tells me there needs not be an “if only”, that the Savior came Himself and took her home.  She was one of the perfect ones, who had no need to stay long in this life.  I believe, without a doubt, that the Savior came to her in her room and offered her the opportunity to serve a mission in the next stage of existence, and as I hope all my daughters do…. She immediately accepted.  I believe she is doing His work, teaching and loving His children who have died without a knowledge of His gospel.  I believe that she spends a great  deal of time praying and working for me on the other side of the veil.  I can feel her influence time and time again.

Now I have three more “daughters” – daughters that are not of my body and not of my choosing.  Daughters that have been put in my care because their parents cared more about their own selfish desires than the welfare of their children.  (That is the subject for a whole other rant…. Maybe later I will indulge.)  And I have to confess…..  many times I find myself resentful.  Not of them, they are children of God who need care and love.  But of the situation that has placed me in this position.

Twenty plus years ago I was excited to have my children as a young woman.  I figured I had enough energy that I could manage, and that when the youngest was finally off starting her own life I would have the freedom to enjoy my husband and build my marriage in ways that were impossible before.   

Three years ago, Ashley was on her mission, Rebecca was about to start at S.C.A.D., and Victoria was about to leave for college (thank HEAVENS she was going to stay with my brother!  It was the only thing that saved my sanity at that point!).  I had started a full time job doing something I really enjoyed.  I had a garden, farm animals, and some extra time to go off with my eternal companion to spend time alone.  We had plans of things to do, places to go, experiences to have.  We were SOOOO looking forward to this time we would finally have to be alone…. TOGETHER!  His work hours were great, we had a little extra money to tuck away (we were foolish!  Who thought about the REAL cost of sending kids to college!?) and some to spend on wild things like a weekend away in northwest Georgia.

Two weeks before all our plans could really get a start… two weeks before Vicky drove off to North Carolina…. Two weeks before Rebecca started her classes (and her hermitage in her “very own room, FINALLY!!”….. Two weeks….. that was all that was left before what we thought of as “freedom”……  I received a series of phone calls that changed everything.

So now I have three more daughters.  And we’ve started all over again.  And the irony of the whole situation is how MUCH we’ve started all over.  When our big girls were little, David worked a LOT of hours.  It was the nature of the job.  He had no option.  But the result was that we hardly saw him.  The girls and I would have dinner alone or wait till he got home at 8 or 9 at night.  I was the teacher, the nurturer, AND the disciplinarian.  (“Just wait till your father gets home!” never made any sense to me.  Who remembers that long!?  Not me!!!)  I was the housekeeper, the errand runner, the bill payer…..  Home life rested completely on my shoulders.  Now that our big girls are big and our little girls are little, it’s as if time has rolled back.  David is once again working insane hours and often doesn’t get home till after the girls need to be in bed.  I am, once again, the teacher, the nurturer, and the disciplinarian.  I am the housekeeper, the errand runner.  I still pay bills, but thank heavens for smartphones and mobile apps because David can do some of that for me while he’s between jobs on the road.  I’m not a single mother – thank heavens!  My heart and admiration go to all those who TRULY have to do it “all on their own”…. Widows, single mothers, mothers whose husbands are away with the military…. They have every bit of my respect and approbation.  But for me…. THIS is “my” hard…. Because I looked forward to having this time to focus on “me”…. Finally…. After 25+ years of focusing on children and family…..

To add to the stress, I still have that full time job.  Me.  A working mother. Me…. Who believes so strongly that God teaches that mothers are needed in the home.  Me… who knows that this job came by direct intervention of that same God.  I have spent time on my knees, in the shower, in my car, prostrate on my bed “Why are You doing this to me!?”  And I must be deaf because I hear no answer.

Aw…. That’s not true.  I have had answers…. Things like “Because I need you to do this for me”, “Because this is part of My eternal plan for those beautiful girls.”  My response?  I am ashamed to admit….. “WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME??”

So what do I do?  I add more stress.  I decide to homeschool these three daughters of God.  I can hear you now, “What!?  Are you insane?!” and I have to answer, I think so!  

You see, we had very specific and well thought out reasons for teaching our Big Girls at home.  Some were specific to each girl, but many were general.  For instance David and I strongly disagree that the public schools are the place to teach about sex, morals, values, etc.  Perhaps in the early days of public education it was ok to teach values and morals, because the schools taught the morals and values of a Christian society.  If a family had differing religious beliefs or social mores, they chose a different school that taught the things they believed.  But the public school system followed the Christian ideals of the majority of the population.  Today, the values and mores being pushed into the little heads of children as young as Pre-K are far from what I want my children to have.  David and I also believe it is a teacher’s job to present the facts, not their opinion, the opinion of their teachers’ union, or any other entity.  Public schools were supposed to be – and still should be – governed by the people of the community.  Not a government organization, lobby, agency, or anyone with any agenda other than the ones the FAMILIES of those children want to have.  Yet we have all sorts of subjects that “the powers that be” have decided MUST be taught to our young.  I’m sorry….. when a little 5 or 6 year old brain is asked to accept teachings about families, politics or any other subject contrary to what the parents of said brain have already been teaching….that is wrong.  And when that wrong is compounded by telling the child that his or her parents are “wrong”…. Ah…. And we wonder why our children have gone insane and started getting pregnant at younger and younger ages, or carrying guns, knives, and explosives to school to solve their childhood difficulties with what can ONLY be called ADULT VIOLENCE.  What are we to expect!?

So…. After 25-plus years of teaching our daughters at home, keeping God in the curriculum, showing them how all the events of world history have intertwined to lead us to the place we are now…..  How could we deny that upbringing to our “new” children?  How could we, in good faith, leave them to the influences of a system we very firmly believe is not only ungodly but is attempting to indoctrinate the children of this country to a view far different from our own and that of all our fathers?  We couldn’t.  So we did the only thing we could…. We chose to educate Grace, Tammy and Gabrielle, our Littles, ourselves.  I can’t say at home….  We aren’t ever at home.  I still have that blasted full time job that God set up for me.

We have been blessed….. I cannot deny that.  Ashley and her friend Kiera helped us get started.  They kept school going at home.  When we first made the decision to educate the Littles ourselves, I took them to work with me.  My boss is amazing and incredibly supportive.  Who else has a job where they can actually take their kids to work with them, every day, and teach them history, math, science, etc.?!? 

But here I have to admit something awful.  I have struggled with depression for years.  I didn’t even know that’s what was going on until about 4 or 4 ½ years ago.  I had no idea what was wrong with me.  I thought I was just a horrible lazy person who couldn’t get out of bed and so spent her days there hiding and crying and sleeping.  I was finally given some help and put on a medication that sorted out the chemicals in my brain.  We discovered what the issue was about the same time we discovered I needed a hysterectomy.  Is the depression linked to the medical issues I was experiencing?  Who knows?  (One doctor thinks so, but since I STILL have the depression issues after the surgery….?  It’s possible its related to that crazy period before menopause – since I still have an ovary left, I’m still producing funky hormones…….) 

Having the Littles with me at work started causing insane anxiety attacks.  I couldn’t function.  I’d scream at them (quietly, because I WAS at work you know!), threaten their very existence…..  Oh I HATED them.  I resented their existence in my home.  I hated their parents and their selfishness that caused me to have to do their job for them!  AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!  (Its hard to describe the angry scream that is meant to be…. Imagine primeval monsters raging at each other…. You’ll get the picture.)

God bless chemicals.  Sort of.  My doc put me on Xanax of all things.  Oh my gosh, the fear I had/have.  The Littles’ mother….. think Xanax and Vodka…..   I was/am terrified of being addicted.  (I actually have n addictive personality/tendency and fear pain killers and other narcotics while I crave the feeling of calm and painlessness they provide.)  

I shared my fears with my girls and with Ashley’s friend Kiera who was staying with us. In order to save her own sanity, Rebecca had moved to her own apartment, and was protecting her own psyche from damage, so she was unable to help.  Ashley had just been married and was building her own family, so she really couldn’t help.  And of course, Vicky was safely ensconced in North Carolina, far away from the madness that is my life.  So,  Kiera took on the daily care of the little ones. But she had things going on in her life too and headed home a few months after we started.  So Ashley, being the amazing person that she is, decided she would “just handle it” and stepped in and took over.  Truthfully, may God the Father bless her FOREVER for what she did for me!!!!  She handled school.  She handled housework.  She handled discipline.  She even managed the nurturing thing. All while she was taking on full time college classes.  All I can say is “Thank you Father for online coursework!”  I was able to not take the Xanax…. Though I have to admit…. I miss the calm feeling at times.

Peace on earth can’t last forever.  At least not until the Savior comes again.  Ashley’s course work changed.  She would be taking too many classes to travel to my house each day, oversee the girls chores, schoolwork and character upbringing.  I’d have to do it myself.  I spent all summer trying to create a way for that to happen.  I organized their school work for the year, created a special place for them in my office so they would be out of the way while still having my oversight and access to me if they needed.  Prayed….. a lot… that my sanity would hold.  Again, I have an amazingly accommodating boss.  My God bless him for his help!!!!

So… combined with a summer of planning, a system of chores that seems to be working, a menu system that allows me to throw things in crockpots most days and have supper ready when we walk through the door in the evening….. you’d think that my life would be great now, wouldn’t you.

Guess again.

I can hear you now….  “WHAT is your issue!!!!???!?!????  For pete’s sake, you have it made!  Awesome adult kids who have their lives (relatively) under control,  a job that you love AND allows you to bring your kiddos so you can follow your conscience, a loving and supportive husband who TRIES to do everything he can to help…. WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT!????”

…

…

I want to love my Littles the way I love my Bigs.

Because you see…. I don’t.  I try…. I really do.  Every day I wake up thinking “TODAY I will love them more than I did yesterday!”  Every day I wake up fully intending to hug, cuddle, smooch, tickle and play.  Each day I promise myself (and them…. AND Heavenly Father) “Today will be different than yesterday.” And every day I fail.  

Every day is a race to get things done and get us out of the house.  Every day I fuss at them….  Do this! Do that!  Hurry up!  WHAT ARE YOU DOING!???!?!??!  

Every day I tell myself that it can’t be helped.  I HAVE to get out of this house by 8 so I can get to work on time.  Despite the fact that we do chores every morning to tidy up the house, it’s ALWAYS a disaster.  (Don’t even LOOK in the Littles’ room!!!  I haven’t seen the floor in months, even after they’ve “cleaned” it.)  The only day that I have “off” is Monday, and that is the day we have to (“Hurry!!! We’re going to be late!”) do the errands, the grocery shopping, the dentist and doctors’ appointments.  Sundays are spent doing the work of the Lord…..  too much, right now, but we’re trying to be obedient to our spiritual leaders, looking forward to those blessings God promises.  I work Tuesday thru Saturday……  I have no weekend.  Not like “you” do.

I have to admit, every now and then there is a day that we DON’T HAVE TO GO ANYWHERE!!!!  Oh those days are BLISS!!!!  But usually they are spent recuperating from all the other days when it has been GO, GO, GO!!!  We do nothing.  I don’t want to be touched, pestered, or talked to.  I have been touched, pestered, talked to, bothered, bugged... for days and days and days on end and I AM DONE.

And I am selfish.

I am horrible.

They don't get ANYTHING like the "best" of me.

I am not a good mother to these girls.

And the circle starts again.  The depression because I’m not what I SHOULD be.  The guilt because the Littles aren’t getting the best I should be giving.  The hurt because God has asked me to do this insane thing when I had all these wonderful plans to spend time with my husband, take college classes (FINALLY!), go to the theatre, concerts, movies…..  The anger because I CAN’T DO IT ALL WHY DO YOU ASK ME TOO!??  And then the depression because I’m not what I SHOULD be….. and on… and on… and on.

On top of all this, and slightly unrelated….. but still a serious part of the mix……  I feel as if my Church responsibilities are draining me dry.  Service in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints isn’t like volunteering for a Sunday school class or other position in other faiths or denominations.  We receive these assignments as callings from God Himself through His ordained servants.  We know that.  We feel that assurance when hands are laid on our heads to bless us and set us apart to this work.  So I KNOW God wants me to do this job He has asked me to do.  But I feel alone in the work.  Not abandoned by God, but by others who are supposed to be laboring beside me as a team.  I am being drained by the needs (or perceived needs) of those I serve.

Add that to all the other ….. and we have a mix that is pulling me apart.  The stress adds to my inability to give all I have to any one thing…. Daughters, husband, job, church service……  And to make matters worse, it creates a physical, emotional, mental and spiritual fatigue that drives me (in my own failure to hold to priorities) away from spending time in God’s Word, in time at prayer, or anything else that might give some relief.  Study of the scriptures to me is a treasure…. But its one that I DIG for. Digging in the Gospel takes effort…. Effort that I don’t have.  Praying, though it provides relief, draws energy from my soul…..  Though it, and study of the Word, would refill my spiritual reservoir, the energy I know it requires scares me and I find myself avoiding the very thing that I need because I (mistakenly) fear it will drain me dry.

And my failure to do as I should and spend time with my Lord, adds to the guilt.  Which adds to the depression, and keeps the circle of despair going.

What do I want?

I want peace in my heart.  Peace in knowing – DEEP down – that I am doing what Father in Heaven wants.  Peace that isn’t shredded by the stress of daily living.

I want to love my Littles with the abandon depth and power that I love my Bigs.

I want to get to know, spend time with, and love my husband without distractions.  (That includes children, dogs, text messages, alarms, phone calls and those BLASTED mobile game apps!)

I want to spend time in the Scriptures, building and strengthening my faith, my understanding of the Gospel, my relationship with my Savior, and my ability to share His light with others who are in need.

I want to be whole.

I am in need of some advice... and unfortunately I'm not sure where to get it. So I'm putting my thoughts down here and hoping that Heavenly Father directs some well meaning soul to read it and help me out.

My life is crazy.  I mean REALLY crazy.  I work full time, Tuesday thru Saturday, which  means that my Saturday is actually Sunday, except its not because Sunday is insane. 


My work days (Tuesday - Saturday)... (usually) start at 5:00 when I get up and (try to) study my scriptures.  I try really hard to do that, but it has become - like so many other things - one more thing to check off.  I noticed that this morning.  My prayers..... they are snatches of "Please Father!" whenever I think of something I desperately need.  This isn't very fulfilling..... And I'm sure Father in Heaven isn't happy with it either.

Then its racing from one thing to another:  breakfast (WHY can't the girls get breakfast on their own without me reminding them EVERY morning!?), shower, get the dishes in the dishwasher, Did anyone throw in a load of laundry?? (Aw shoot!  Why didn't someone TELL me there was a load mildewing in there!???!?!??) What do you MEAN you haven't made lunch yet!?  Oh blast it all - I haven't taken anything out for dinner!.....  Then there's the race to get the kiddos in the car (without the dog trying to go with us!) and leave before 8:15 when I would officially be late by the time I'd get to work.

Of course there are the mornings (like today) when SOMEONE wants/needs my help before I get to work.... (Can you just stop by and give me a ride to pay my water bill?) Then walking in the office with mail to check, bills to pay, emails to answer.... and don't forget getting the girls started with their homeschool lessons..............

Of course the day is full of tasks that MUST be accomplished, and then there's travel time back home, when all my phone calls are done... ("Hi Dad!  Haven't talked to you in a while.  How's it going?", "Hey little brother!  How ya doin'?")  Then the typical race to get the family fed, showered (maybe!), and tucked into bed after family prayer, HOPEFULLY before 10:00.  Then its my turn for a shower (MAYBE!), take the meds,  and pass out - HOPEFULLY before midnight and after having SOME sort of conversation with my darling.

Sundays are usually taken up with 2 (count 'em again!) TWO sets of Church meetings, preceded by several hours of prep work for one of those (preparing bulletin for the worship service, picking out music, downloading it to my laptop, arranging it in playlists [we don't have a pianist.... so my laptop is Ms. Music :) ], reading an preparing to teach the Sunday School lesson) not to mention feeding people and making sure kids are dressed properly.  (By the way, why can't kids get dressed, eat their breakfast, brush their hair and teeth, etc. without constant guidance???????)  "Get in the car, QUICK!  We're already late!"  "Did anyone pack lunches???"  "Mom, I forgot my scriptures."  Then off we go....

And after the actual services, its back to the house, tidy like mad men so that its not a complete disaster when the missionaries arrive for dinner and correlation meeting.  "Oh goodness!  It's 9:00 already and no one is in bed! Hurry!  I'll do the dishes in the morning!"

Mondays are usually the day my body crashes and I can't get out of bed, whether because of physical, mental, or emotional fatigue.....  But that's the only day to do the grocery shopping, doctors and dentist appointments, spend time with my big girls......

Life has become one big checklist, and I'm unhappy.  There doesn't seem to be time to sit back and enjoy.  Roses!?  Who has time to smell roses?!?  I haven't been camping in ages, not the kind where your soul just relaxes and you can stare into the fire or look at the stars and all of life comes back into focus.  In fact, I haven't really enjoyed a good book, though I DO try..... right before I pass out in the late evenings.

I read about the need to meditate, take time for myself, fun things like that.  Who has time for that sort of stuff!?  I barely have time to go to the bathroom or take a shower.  (Don't get me wrong, I know its important, I just don't know how to fit that in too.)

And please don't tell me to have the family help.  We're trying that.  But for some unknown reason, EVERYTHING has to be supervised.  I've been grateful for my older daughters because they can act as my clones - they know just what needs doing and how to do it.  But they all have lives of their own.  So I'm the one that acts as cattle-prod to get things done.....  "Whose turn is it to do the dishes?  What do you mean you can't get the vacume to work? Why didn't you wipe out the sink after spitting toothpaste all over?? I just TOLD you..."

Then there's the guilt for all the things I SHOULD be doing.  Even this short time I'm taking to whine and complain is causing guilt. (At least I took a shower last night so this morning is just a brush up and get dressed!)

So...... what am I looking for?

A way to stop the constant "Checklist" feeling of my life.  A way to stop and smell those roses everyone talks about.  A way to cuddle my kids without the "itching" that comes from knowing I HAVE to get A, B, C, and D accomplished. A way to spend time with my Father in Heaven without having to rush on to the next thing on that blasted list.

Sigh.  I'm going to be late for work.